You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
