god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
