what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
