I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
