Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
