Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
