My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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