when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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