If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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