I murdered the dance floor call the cops
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I forget how to act sober
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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