i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
