i think my tv is drunk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
