Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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