Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
