HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
