my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
