I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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