My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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