seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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