DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
