My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize