Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize