not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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