So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
