My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
