im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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