Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
