I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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