if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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