life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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