and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
