I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
