dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
