There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
