I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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