i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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