Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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