My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didn't shave. On purpose
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
