Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
