life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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