She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
