I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
