our cab driver is having phone sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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