I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
