Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Actions speak louder than pants.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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