I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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