The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
