Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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