Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize