just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Of course I have a pirate flag
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
