A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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