There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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