Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
