The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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