I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
