His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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