yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
