I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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