You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
